Reading about the recent unfortunate suicide of a teenager following an internet exchange that hurt her feelings got me thinking about the extent our culture goes to in protecting children. In general terms, might this not have the unintended consequence of making them more vulnerable to the slings and arrows most of us have weathered?
I'm thinking of the competitive games in elementary schools that have been eliminated so "no one feels left out".
The "dumbing down" of grades so children arn't faced with failing grades.
The acceptance of overweight as normal so kids don't feel stigmatized.
The focus on self-esteem to the detriment of learning to read or do simple arithmetic.
Any thoughts on this?
Yes, I've got the same feelings. My wife is in Day Care, and has complained about this issue more then once over the years.
I am afraid we have raised a generation of kids that don't know how to be parents. One of my wife's clients (I won't disclose whether past or current) was so concerned with hurting her son's feelings that she let him (2 yrs old) hit and kick her without admonishment! She did the same with her older son, now 3 1/2, and wonders why she can't keep him in the same pre-school for more than six months before he gets kicked out for behavioral issues!
I'd like to be fly on the wall in about 10 years at her house! Although, we might see it in the newspaper if he continues being violent...
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body!! But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Glenmorangie in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Makes me think of all those parents that wish to raise their children in a sterile environment, never exposing them to life’s dirty reality. Only to find that the child's immune system then is lacking basic protections when the child grows up.
The parent’s over-protection leads the child to be defenseless in the world later on. And in the end, the parents find that their actions resulted in exactly the opposite result than what they intended. [b]Peacemaker[/b]
Peacemaker wrote:
Makes me think of all those parents that wish to raise their children in a sterile environment, never exposing them to life’s dirty reality. Only to find that the child's immune system then is lacking basic protections when the child grows up.
The parent’s over-protection leads the child to be defenseless in the world later on. And in the end, the parents find that their actions resulted in exactly the opposite result than what they intended.
Yep, it does. My grandkids are a good example. Their dad is not fond of animals, and claims an allegy to cats. Kept the boy away from our place for pretty much his first two years. Now he shows a sensitivity to cats as well. The other two kids who have been exposed to the cats from the beginning have no such problems.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body!! But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Glenmorangie in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOO HOO what a ride!"
How true is all of this? A very important subject that should be addressed and I have been ranting about since my kids were babes and are now out of the nest, except for one. He will be leaving very soon.
But, both my husband and I would get very angry at the community and school events for the children regarding this very issue. One time, while they were in middle school...no one was left out in soccer so they had almost 75 girls on the team! They lost all the time because..everyone got to play and the chaos of it all would lead to disorganization where no one knew what was expected of them or girls that did not even know how to play. The biggest thing the coach would keep yelling was…”who hasn’t played yet?”
I saw a kid get cut at tryouts in high school (High school they do cut) ..so they went crying to their parents. And her parents said they would make it up to her somehow and then proceeded to yell at the coaches and say they were going to file complaints to the Principle and school board because the coaches were incompetent. You know that girl ended up getting on the team? And they had to cut another girl to do it? And this girl that got on the team because of her parents tirades sat on the bench mostly until the parents had another meltdown with the coaches…so he put her in. Oh, she was bad…so bad. It is not her fault. But, look at what the parents taught that child? It is disgusting.
And because the schools have made so many cut backs in the other activities, only the "well off" kids can afford to participate. I have seen so many kids that are very talented, not be able to try out or join because the fees and costs are staggering. Just to have our son in track and field this season cost us almost 3k. So, we are leaving some of our most talented kids behind...because of money. How backwards is that? I am not saying that every kid should play...but, a kid should not be stopped from trying out because their parents cannot afford it.
Now, on discipline, one time I found out that my 14 year old daughter was at a boys house getting high off drugs and drinking alcohol WHILE the parents were there!!! I called the cops and reported the parents who were home and older son who was buying the booze. All the parents were mad at me for causing trouble. None of the parents reprimanded their children. I am sorry, but, you don't give my kid who is only 14,drugs and alchohol when you are an adult! One of the girls moms took her daughter shopping because she did not want her daughter to think she was in trouble or hate her since their relationship was already stressed. What??? This is only ONE incident…I could go on, and on.
I am not about to sit back and condone it only to have her become addicted to alcohol and drugs or die from an overdose. Not happ'nin on my watch. Imagine the back lash from folks if I let that happen...if I let her do whatever she wanted when she wanted and it ended up in her death? (which I am sure all of us have seen happen…several of my kids friends they grew up with are now dead or addicted to drugs or in jail) I would be banished...but, yet, I would be banished by the same parents that are letting their own children get away with it. Hypocrites.
Finally, the kids all realized how broke we really were. Their grandmother stole the kids college money from our account that was about 20k 10 years ago. So, my daughter went to Comm. College and my son, he has had to work hard in his sports to hopefully get a scholarship. And he has changed his attitude when he found out the things I had to sell to pay for his trips to the State championships, etc. The sacrifices we were making for his future. He knows that though we are tough on him…we want everything for him to succeed and will do everything we can to insure it. And more than anything we want him safe and happy!! I would go out naked…to insure my kids got the opportunities they needed to succeed.
So, we must be doing something right. He has been in the paper…gosh, I don’t know how many times. He had a huge layout done this past week and we got calls the next day….on Christmas eve from Colleges in Montana and Arizona. This is in addition to all the offers and phone calls we have been getting all year from Ivy league schools to small colligate schools.
One more thing. One of my daughters was put on a medication that has caused a lot of suicides in children and teenagers. I knew when she started to slip away and started to not be herself. I am so in their business and constantly ask questions. One day…while talking to her…you could tell, something serious is going on. No eye contact…did not want to talk, doing strange things. I took her into the doc immediately only to find she had been planning a suicide. This once happy go lucky kid…was shutting down and planned out how she would leave the world, by hanging herself. You don’t know how thankful I was that we got her help when we did. It is hard sometimes when kids shut you out for so long and you just let them thinking they are just being kids. And yes…it is easier too. But, don’t….I would rather they be mad at me for my 1001 questions and argue all the time…then dead.
This is a great post. Sorry I rambled on so long. But, you hit a nerve that has been bothering me since these kids were babes, and it seems to be only getting worse!! I could talk much more about this but, I think I might have worn you all out….thanks for listening. I am all for the tough love.
Sounds to me as if you are well connected to your kids, and in my experience, that is the best way to make a difference. With my own kids, I never tried to be friends - I wasn't a terror, mind you - but I always made sure that they knew who the Dad was and that I was to be obeyed (Mom, too, to be sure!). Today, I am good friends with my kids, all grown up, and one with kids of her own. They've never been afraid to bring their friends home, either.
Like the advertisement says, parents are the anti-drug! Don't get me wrong, I won't try to say that my kids were angels. (In spite of being female and pretty!) I know that they all tried drugs and occasionally, alcohol. Heck, so did I at their ages. That's part of growing up. But neither I nor my kids got into it as a regular thing - just experimental stuff, that came and went and never affected our lives otherwise.
Like you said, the key is to be there, be connected to them and be sure they know it.
Welcome to ToTheCenter!
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body!! But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Glenmorangie in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Sounds like we may have been walkin in the same shoes. Do you shop consignment stores, Goodwill?? Hey..I found a BRAND NEW pair of Enzo Angelinios boots, still with the tags for 4 bucks!!! They were 400 online!
Anyway...we sound a lot a like. Thanks for the welcome!
Edited by CUsmile on 01/14/2008 21:36
I raised up three boys with there father pretty much out of the picture. I to stayed right in their business. I got lucky though, all three knew how hard I was working to keep everything together for us and they pretty much stayed home and didn't try to pull any thing like that. They had a few friends who would come over in the evening and play video games and then go home and only my youngest when he was 17 asked if I would buy him and his friends beer. I told him no and explained to him my reasons why I wouldn't. He accepted that and never asked again. They never really went to any one elses house everyone always came to my kids house, even though there was no drugs or booze or maybe it was because there was no drugs and booze and they were all just ggod kids looking to play a few video games for a couple hours. They did pretty much have all the soda and snacks they wanted, I still don't know how I keep the hoard fed!
Sounds like we may have been walkin in the same shoes. Do you shop consignment stores, Goodwill?? Hey..I found a BRAND NEW pair of Enzo Angelinios boots, still with the tags for 4 bucks!!! They were 400 online!
Anyway...we sound a lot a like. Thanks for the welcome!
Not much. Though I found a great computer table, well built, two inch thick surface, heavy metal legs, modesty panel - business grade - had to cost a bundle new - for twenty bucks! Lasted me for five years before I had to get rid of it for lack of space. Great for heavy computer equipment.
Hope to see you in the discussion threads.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body!! But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Glenmorangie in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOO HOO what a ride!"
tatntole wrote:
I raised up three boys with there father pretty much out of the picture. I to stayed right in their business. I got lucky though, all three knew how hard I was working to keep everything together for us and they pretty much stayed home and didn't try to pull any thing like that. They had a few friends who would come over in the evening and play video games and then go home and only my youngest when he was 17 asked if I would buy him and his friends beer. I told him no and explained to him my reasons why I wouldn't. He accepted that and never asked again. They never really went to any one elses house everyone always came to my kids house, even though there was no drugs or booze or maybe it was because there was no drugs and booze and they were all just ggod kids looking to play a few video games for a couple hours. They did pretty much have all the soda and snacks they wanted, I still don't know how I keep the hoard fed!
Man, I know how it feels to keep a bunch of teens fed! I had three girls, and at least two of them were teens at any given time. Twenty years of teens <shudder> I don't know how I survived! (Broke, mostly)
Yeah, it's a nice feeling that your kids friends feel like your place is a good place to hang out. Especially when you know you are keeping an eye on them and they don't seem to mind. One year, we had our daughter's high school cast party at our place - sponsored by the school - same rules as the after prom party - nobody leaves then comes back in, to prevent the acquisition of drugs or alcohol, and they all toed the line nicely. All 70 of them! yeah, quite a party. (yes, there were a couple of other parents there to help watch things - it was really a great party with no noise issues or gate crashers or fights, nothing like that at all.)
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body!! But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Glenmorangie in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: "WOO HOO what a ride!"
This shows that our present curriculum of education is not sufficient enough to sort out this problem. I, think, at primary level some special training needs to be conducted to educate children about how to ease stress in life.
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